But now it’s serious, and boring, and sad, and filled with feelings. And every time I force myself to blog I’m not in a great mood. And this just isn’t the kind of blog I want.

So I won’t be blogging anymore. My domain expires in December and I’m just going to let it go.

I’m going to think up a new blog name and theme and open it on blogger or wordpress.com, and when I do I’ll let you know.

Blogging should be fun, not a chore.

The end.

“Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head they can’t possibly live up to my expectations, and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end here.

I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important, that people hang onto our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is: you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. After that it’s all about the people that you let into your life.

And as my mind drifted to faces I’ve seen here before, I was taken to memories of family, of coworkers, of lost loves, even of those who have left us. And as I rounded that corner, they all came at me in a wave of shared experience.

And even though it felt warm and safe, I knew it had to end. It’s never good to live in the past too long.
As for the future, it didnt seem so scary anymore. It could be whatever I wanted it to be.”

Leaving Sweden I was most afraid about losing. Losing great friendships, forgetting amazing memories. And now that I am home I realize I spent so much time dwelling on this when I could have been out enjoying my last weeks. Leaving Sweden I have lost nothing; I have only gained. I realize this now.

Coming back home was strange. I wouldn’t say I experienced culture shock, but it was more shock of suddenly being in a new location, disbelief, and knowing I would not be soon returning to Uppsala, at least not to live there.

It was great to be home, to see friends and family that I hadn’t seen in such a long time. But now I’ve been home for six weeks, and my passport is burning a hole in my pocket. I have the desire to travel, to experience new things, to live. Instead, I have an empty wallet, no job, no one will hire me (yet), no one wants me to intern for them, I have no car. Essentially I am stranded, stuck, in a state of inertia.

I’m doing everything I can to get the ball rolling but I’m faced with great resistance. So my purpose is to work on myself. Going to the gym (a lot), writing (a lot),  and learning and experiencing the world not by seeing and doing, but by reading. I’ve applied for the junior college here and will be taking two courses in the fall: Art History and a philosophy class in Political Theory, both of which I have great interest in.

So I have found a purpose to keep me busy for now, because all I have is right now, the present.

-Jess

-Monday was the Farewell BBQ on the roof of house 7 in Flogsta. I can’t remember what I did during the day.

-Tuesday was spent packing and cleaning my room; we also went to Snerikes’ club, which was of course lame. I got all the way there and then realized I forgot my student ID, so I had to go all the way back to Flogsta to get it.

-Wednesday Mark, Jacob and I went and turned our keys in to Heimstaden. Then later a lot of us went to IKEA, mostly to eat Swedish meatballs (16kr! for lots of meatballs and potatoes!), and we also played hide and seek (Jacob and I won, we hid in a shower) and watched football in one of the living rooms. Later that night Håkan, Jacob, Mark and I watched a film. Before going to sleep we said goodbye to Matt, who was driving home with his parents in the morning back to England.

-Thursday was baking day! We (I?) made some killer oatmeal, dark chocolate cookies with the help of everyone. We fika’d, listened to music, and had a great time. Lisa left to go back home to Rättvik in the evening. That night / early morning Mark was going to the airport, so I slept in Susanne’s room for about an hour and a half, and at 3am I headed up to floor six where Mark was finishing getting ready. Then Jacob and I walked him to the bus station and said goodbye. It was quite sad, but maybe in a more selfish way for me. I know I will be able to see Mark in California, he only lives a few hours away from me, but it was sad because it made leaving Uppsala seem more real to me.

-Friday it was basically just me and Jacob left in Flogsta, and we ended up hanging out with Sana most of the day. That night we planned on watching a movie in my corridor – it was Hans, Susanne, Jacob, and Matilda. But then the corridor mate of mine that no one really likes started drunkenly ranting to us for about two to three hours. Eventually Susanne escaped and went back to her corridor, and then I followed, and immediately after Jacob followed. It was then too late to watch the movie so we went to bed.

-Saturday I woke up at the crack of dawn to catch a train to Stockholm. Jacob made me breakfast and I made us sandwiches. Then we walked to the train station. Once in Stockholm we took the metro to Håkan’s apartment where we dropped off our stuff, and then we headed to Skansen. Thankfully yesterday the metro was free! So awesome. We spent the day wandering around Skansen, which is an open air museum filled with things like old Swedish houses and churches. They also have a lot of animals, including cute little goats. Then around four we headed toward the Vasa Museum, which is along the water, and waited for the Crown Princess and her new husband to float by on their parade boat. I got some really good pictures of them!

After that we went to Sawadee, a really good and very cheap Thai food restaurant in Stockholm. I’ve been there three times now, it’s just that good. Håkan then showed us around Stockholm a bit, and eventually we ended up back at his place we we tea’d it up and then went to sleep.

-Today … today kind of sucked. I woke up early and saw Jacob off at the Stockholm bus station. He is traveling around Sweden a bit before heading back home. My original intent for today was to wander Stockholm, but I was too exhausted and quite honestly, too sad and depressed to sightsee. So I came back to Flogsta and uploaded all of my pictures from this past week onto Facebook. I laid around, bored to death for awhile. Then I went over to Laura’s and Susanne’s corridor and forced myself upon them. We ended up watching Sex and the City 2 … which was a horrible movie. I was not impressed at all. Don’t waste your money on this film, I’m glad I didn’t. We talked for a bit and now I’m back here.

Tomorrow I will go to town to run errands, fika, and then come back.

I knew when I came to Sweden that it would be temporary, but I had no idea that I would get so close to all of the amazing people I have met here. It is so sad that there is practically no one left. I feel clingy and needy, but I don’t care. I’ve always looked toward the future with energy and passion, but now I’m just afraid. Afraid of not knowing the next step. I know once I get on the plane I will be so empty. But once I get home, get back in the groove of things, all will be okay.

By far, this has been the most emotional year of my life. It was totally worth it though.

_____

Have you ever been so lonely,
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me,
And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.
Have a look inside.

It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I’m empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.

I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It’s sweetly falling in tune.
I’m gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor,
and crawl to my room.
The thought of ending it soon…
Just let me sleep in my room.

-Blue October

“No man is happy who does not think himself so.”  –Publilius Syrus

“Change is the law of life, and those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future.”  –John F. Kennedy

How has an entire year past? How have I lived in Sweden this long, and how is it already time for me to leave? Negativity seeped through me last night, I was depressed about leaving and my uncertain future. Today I met with the head of my department who told me that it is unlikely I will be coming back to Sweden for my masters. And somehow, this “bad” news made me feel better. My future has become a little clearer; I’m not coming back. Walking home from the Ekonomikum I fought not to cry, but then words from my Papa rang through my head, life is all about perspective, we may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control what happens in us. I can choose to be happy. I can focus on the now and enjoy what time I have left in Sweden. My frame of mind has shifted. I am excited about the future, there are so many different paths that lie ahead of me, all I have to do is choose one, and I’ll be on a whole new adventure.

Goodbye is only truly painful if you know you’ll never say hello again. And I will be back to Sweden again.

The end is where I begin.

xo. Jessica

The only problem is it is quite warm in here, and so I have to keep the window open … and below her window there is a little daycare, with lots of little kids running around, screaming, etc.

Could be problematic.

Anyway, should get to work on my paper. My goal is to finish it today, because tomorrow is the last club at Stockholm’s nation, and since I’ve never even been to one of their clubs I thought it would be fun to at least go to the last one. And Friday it is due, sooo, yeah.

I just found out today that one of my favorite people in Uppsala is in the hospital. So I told her I would be there around six tonight to bring her some things she requested and to visit her. So my ultimate goal is to have my paper finished by the time I visit her tonight.

xo.

Time can’t be given. But it can be shared.

–Cecelia Ahern

First of all, I have no idea how to go about writing a cover letter / resume.

And secondly, do I really want an adult for real job? Not like working at Burger King or a driving school … but a REAL job.

Scary.

Does anyone have advice for cover letters and resumes?

Tack så mycket!

Katie, Natalia, and Sarah

Wednesday my class went to Oxford. The train ride there consisted of  a nice conversation with the head of my department, Göran, who told me that I could apply to the masters program at Uppsala as a resident if I wanted to.

At Oxford we attended a lecture given by a Swedish guy who does research at the university. He mostly just told us about his research, and honestly, it was kind of boring. So boring, that I kid you not, Katie fell asleep and started breathing really loudly slash borderline snoring! Very funny.

After the lecture, the Swedish researcher took us on a tour of the city of Oxford. After being in Uppsala for so long, it’s hard for me to be amazed by old European cities, but let me tell you, Oxford is OLD and it is so beautiful. After the “tour” was over, my class planned to meet at the train station in two hours, so Katie, Sarah, Natalia and I wandered around Oxford and ended up at Christ Church, which is where they filmed the Great Hall scenes in Harry Potter. We wanted to go inside, but I got distracted by a book store (all books for two pounds! It was amazing!) and by the time we got out (I only left with one book, it was so sad) the church was closed. So all my fault.

Once we got back into London, Sarah and Katie headed back to Greenwich, where they made their host dinner for being so nice and allowing them to couchsurf there. Natalia and I headed toward London Bridge, took touristy pictures of it, then walked over it, and then went to the Tower of London because she hadn’t seen it yet.

Then we went to Oxford Circus in hopes of finding somewhere to eat. We were looking for a pub because Natalia wanted fish and chips, but unfortunately it was too late and all of the pubs we found had closed their kitchen for the night. So we ended up at a place called Bella Italia – which, by the way, there is a restaurant in my hometown by the same name, which is pretty much my favorite place to eat; this Bella Italia wasn’t quite as good though = ).

The following day, Thursday, my class was to meet up at the Waterloo station. I got there about 45 minutes early just because I was awake early, and thought it could be fun to walk around the area before meeting up with the class. Unfortunately there wasn’t much to see, however I did find a nice cafe called Smålands, which if you don’t know, Smålands is a region in Sweden. So I went inside and got coffee and breakfast. Funny how I found two different Swedish cafes while in London! Just can’t get away from Sweden I suppose!

Småland's Cafe

My class met up, and we were supposed to go to a museum, but then Göran decided that the National Gallery would be better to go to instead. So off we walked toward Trafalgar Square (do you know why this square has no pigeons? In the early 2000s they gave the pigeons birth control in the bird feed and so the pigeons couldn’t reproduce. Pretty cool, eh?).

After the National Gallery the official school tour was over, and my class split up. Me and Natalia decided we wanted to go to the London Eye, which was well worth the money. After that Natalia wanted to see the inside of Westminister Abbey (we had seen the outside some days before), but I did not (regret this now), so instead I walked to the Tate Modern, and all I have to say about this is “what the hell?” But I like art like that : ).

After I was looking at the map and realized that the Millennium Bridge was practically right there, so I decided to walk over it. The Millennium Bridge is the pedestrian bridge in the beginning of the Harry Potter 6 movie, so I totally geeked out over that.

I’m not really quite sure exactly what I did the rest of this day. I know I went to Primark, which was a nightmare; there were SO many people there.

I think I just walked around and took London in.

Friday was my last day in London, and I had made plans with Sarah to meet her at the Greenwich train station. We went to see the Prime Meridian, and we also saw some of the museums that were in the general area.

After this, we headed back toward London, the Victoria station, where we hopped on the Stansted Express (airport train).

We saw so many rainbows on the way to the airport!

Then, Sarah caught her plane back to Sweden, and I caught my plane to Dublin, Ireland.

xoxo.

(Look for my post about Dublin on Monday, 2pm Sweden time, 5am PST!)

Sunday I woke up and had the free breakfast my hostel provided. I went to Tower Hill station and waited a half hour for Katie and Sarah to meet me. We checked out the tower, and then walked to Brick Lane Market. While there we saw a place called Fika, and were very excited and went inside. We didn’t eat there, and we all ended up getting different food from the stands.

Then we walked to St. Pauls Cathedral, took pictures of the outside and went inside. Then we went to Picadilly Circus and that general area and walked around.

Then we hopped on the tube and then a train to Greenwich (where Katie and Sarah are couchsurfing) to see a comedy show. I only stayed for the first three comedians because I had to catch one of the last trains back to London, but the first three I saw were very funny. The first screamed a lot (quite literally), but other than that hilarious. The second was my favorite (cute too!), and the third was an American – an older man, most of his jokes made fun of Americans, funny.

When I got back to Holborn station it was around midnight and I needed to find someplace open so that I could buy shampoo and conditioner… luckily I did find a place. I got back to my hostel and showered, and then chatted with the three German girls staying in my room. I’m in a four person, female only dorm, and the three Germans are traveling together. We ended up talking for quite a bit, and I didn’t sleep until 2am.

Monday I woke up at 8am, rushed and got dressed, and ran out the door. I was meeting Katie and Sarah at Hyde Park Corner station. I didn’t catch the free breakfast at the hostel, but it wasn’t very good anyway, so I stopped at a convenience store and bought a BLT for two pounds. When I got to the station I ate  the sandwich on a park bench while waiting for Sarah and Katie… they were a half hour late again. When I was done with my sandwich I went to find a trash can to throw the packaging away, and ended up walking pretty far trying to find one. When I got back to my original bench I happened to notice them crossing the street into Hyde Park… I was fairly irritated because I had just waited a half hour for them, and they must have looked around, waited a minute and then decided to leave without me. So I ran to catch up with them, and they said that they had walked around, didn’t see me, and figured I got tired of waiting for them and left.

We walked through Hyde Park and saw the Peter Pan statue, the Prince Albert memorial, and the Princess Diana memorial. At that point it was 11am and we had to speedwalk back to the Hyde Park station to meet the free tour.

Buckingham Palace

Free tour let out at 1:30, and after the guide invited us to a pub to eat. 27 of us from the tour decided to go. We got to the pub, sat down, and by the time it was our turn to order we realized that it was somehow 2:30 … so we didn’t order, and left and walked to Oxford Circus where we were supposed to meet our class. At 3 we left Oxford Circus with our classmates and two professors on the tube toward the BBC. The BBC tour was really good. They gave us an overview of how the BBC runs, the history, etc. Then we got to see an empty filming room (what’s the word for that?), and then one that is already made up. They were strict about no photography in a lot of areas, so I don’t have many pictures.

After the tour me and Natalia were starving, as neither of us had eaten since 9am. So her and I, plus Sarah and Katie headed to Holborn station where I knew there was a Pizza Hut. It was a sit down restaurant, something I’ve never seen before. Natalia said that in Canada almost all Pizza Hut’s are sit down restaurants. I thought this was amazing, that the rest of the world gets sit down Pizza Huts, but then I talked to my mom and apparently she’s seen them in California before. So whatever.

After a delicious pepperoni pizza and bruschetta, all four of us walked to Kings Cross Station to see Platform 9 3/4. It was a fifteen minute walk, and get THIS, I totally slipped and FELL. I make it through a whole Swedish winter without falling once,  but I’m in London for three days and slip and fall for basically no reason.

I was okay though, so no worries ; ).

(TO BE CONTINUED, part 2 is already written, and will be posted tomorrow at 2pm Sweden time, or 5am PST.)

So now you’re up to date ; ).

I had a great time in all three of the countries I went to, but Ireland was my favorite. Most definitely going back!

I will really miss my family; ten days seemed like a lot, but it went by so fast. I know I will be home in two months, but I was quite sad that their visit was over, and I’m pathetic and cried at the airport when they left. They’ve been in the air for about seven hours now, and they’re almosssst to Chicago, where they will make their connection and go to SFO.

Anyway, I will try to update soon (like tomorrow) about my travels. I’m thinking one post on London, one on Ireland, and a third and fourth on Italy and my family.

xoxo.