Aug/100
arrivederci
I’m kind of over this blog. When I look back, the content of my entries has completely changed. I used to write about what I did every day, this and that and this. I used to write about funny things that happened to me and my opinions about things. My blog used to be fun (?).
But now it’s serious, and boring, and sad, and filled with feelings. And every time I force myself to blog I’m not in a great mood. And this just isn’t the kind of blog I want.
So I won’t be blogging anymore. My domain expires in December and I’m just going to let it go.
I’m going to think up a new blog name and theme and open it on blogger or wordpress.com, and when I do I’ll let you know.
Blogging should be fun, not a chore.
The end.
Aug/101
Right Now
JD’s final monologue in the season eight finale of “Scrubs” sums up my feelings toward leaving Uppsala:
“Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head they can’t possibly live up to my expectations, and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end here.
I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important, that people hang onto our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is: you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. After that it’s all about the people that you let into your life.
And as my mind drifted to faces I’ve seen here before, I was taken to memories of family, of coworkers, of lost loves, even of those who have left us. And as I rounded that corner, they all came at me in a wave of shared experience.
And even though it felt warm and safe, I knew it had to end. It’s never good to live in the past too long.
As for the future, it didnt seem so scary anymore. It could be whatever I wanted it to be.”
Leaving Sweden I was most afraid about losing. Losing great friendships, forgetting amazing memories. And now that I am home I realize I spent so much time dwelling on this when I could have been out enjoying my last weeks. Leaving Sweden I have lost nothing; I have only gained. I realize this now.
Coming back home was strange. I wouldn’t say I experienced culture shock, but it was more shock of suddenly being in a new location, disbelief, and knowing I would not be soon returning to Uppsala, at least not to live there.
It was great to be home, to see friends and family that I hadn’t seen in such a long time. But now I’ve been home for six weeks, and my passport is burning a hole in my pocket. I have the desire to travel, to experience new things, to live. Instead, I have an empty wallet, no job, no one will hire me (yet), no one wants me to intern for them, I have no car. Essentially I am stranded, stuck, in a state of inertia.
I’m doing everything I can to get the ball rolling but I’m faced with great resistance. So my purpose is to work on myself. Going to the gym (a lot), writing (a lot), and learning and experiencing the world not by seeing and doing, but by reading. I’ve applied for the junior college here and will be taking two courses in the fall: Art History and a philosophy class in Political Theory, both of which I have great interest in.
So I have found a purpose to keep me busy for now, because all I have is right now, the present.
-Jess
Jun/100
Black Orchid
The past week has been filled with fun and last-minute socializing with all of my Uppsala friends. Here’s a recap:
-Monday was the Farewell BBQ on the roof of house 7 in Flogsta. I can’t remember what I did during the day.
-Tuesday was spent packing and cleaning my room; we also went to Snerikes’ club, which was of course lame. I got all the way there and then realized I forgot my student ID, so I had to go all the way back to Flogsta to get it.
-Wednesday Mark, Jacob and I went and turned our keys in to Heimstaden. Then later a lot of us went to IKEA, mostly to eat Swedish meatballs (16kr! for lots of meatballs and potatoes!), and we also played hide and seek (Jacob and I won, we hid in a shower) and watched football in one of the living rooms. Later that night Håkan, Jacob, Mark and I watched a film. Before going to sleep we said goodbye to Matt, who was driving home with his parents in the morning back to England.
-Thursday was baking day! We (I?) made some killer oatmeal, dark chocolate cookies with the help of everyone. We fika’d, listened to music, and had a great time. Lisa left to go back home to Rättvik in the evening. That night / early morning Mark was going to the airport, so I slept in Susanne’s room for about an hour and a half, and at 3am I headed up to floor six where Mark was finishing getting ready. Then Jacob and I walked him to the bus station and said goodbye. It was quite sad, but maybe in a more selfish way for me. I know I will be able to see Mark in California, he only lives a few hours away from me, but it was sad because it made leaving Uppsala seem more real to me.
-Friday it was basically just me and Jacob left in Flogsta, and we ended up hanging out with Sana most of the day. That night we planned on watching a movie in my corridor – it was Hans, Susanne, Jacob, and Matilda. But then the corridor mate of mine that no one really likes started drunkenly ranting to us for about two to three hours. Eventually Susanne escaped and went back to her corridor, and then I followed, and immediately after Jacob followed. It was then too late to watch the movie so we went to bed.
-Saturday I woke up at the crack of dawn to catch a train to Stockholm. Jacob made me breakfast and I made us sandwiches. Then we walked to the train station. Once in Stockholm we took the metro to Håkan’s apartment where we dropped off our stuff, and then we headed to Skansen. Thankfully yesterday the metro was free! So awesome. We spent the day wandering around Skansen, which is an open air museum filled with things like old Swedish houses and churches. They also have a lot of animals, including cute little goats. Then around four we headed toward the Vasa Museum, which is along the water, and waited for the Crown Princess and her new husband to float by on their parade boat. I got some really good pictures of them!
After that we went to Sawadee, a really good and very cheap Thai food restaurant in Stockholm. I’ve been there three times now, it’s just that good. Håkan then showed us around Stockholm a bit, and eventually we ended up back at his place we we tea’d it up and then went to sleep.
-Today … today kind of sucked. I woke up early and saw Jacob off at the Stockholm bus station. He is traveling around Sweden a bit before heading back home. My original intent for today was to wander Stockholm, but I was too exhausted and quite honestly, too sad and depressed to sightsee. So I came back to Flogsta and uploaded all of my pictures from this past week onto Facebook. I laid around, bored to death for awhile. Then I went over to Laura’s and Susanne’s corridor and forced myself upon them. We ended up watching Sex and the City 2 … which was a horrible movie. I was not impressed at all. Don’t waste your money on this film, I’m glad I didn’t. We talked for a bit and now I’m back here.
Tomorrow I will go to town to run errands, fika, and then come back.
I knew when I came to Sweden that it would be temporary, but I had no idea that I would get so close to all of the amazing people I have met here. It is so sad that there is practically no one left. I feel clingy and needy, but I don’t care. I’ve always looked toward the future with energy and passion, but now I’m just afraid. Afraid of not knowing the next step. I know once I get on the plane I will be so empty. But once I get home, get back in the groove of things, all will be okay.
By far, this has been the most emotional year of my life. It was totally worth it though.
_____
Have you ever been so lonely,
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me,
And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.
Have a look inside.
It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I’m empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.
I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It’s sweetly falling in tune.
I’m gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor,
and crawl to my room.
The thought of ending it soon…
Just let me sleep in my room.
-Blue October
Jun/102
The End is Where I Begin
“No man is happy who does not think himself so.” –Publilius Syrus
“Change is the law of life, and those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future.” –John F. Kennedy
How has an entire year past? How have I lived in Sweden this long, and how is it already time for me to leave? Negativity seeped through me last night, I was depressed about leaving and my uncertain future. Today I met with the head of my department who told me that it is unlikely I will be coming back to Sweden for my masters. And somehow, this “bad” news made me feel better. My future has become a little clearer; I’m not coming back. Walking home from the Ekonomikum I fought not to cry, but then words from my Papa rang through my head, life is all about perspective, we may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control what happens in us. I can choose to be happy. I can focus on the now and enjoy what time I have left in Sweden. My frame of mind has shifted. I am excited about the future, there are so many different paths that lie ahead of me, all I have to do is choose one, and I’ll be on a whole new adventure.
Goodbye is only truly painful if you know you’ll never say hello again. And I will be back to Sweden again.
The end is where I begin.
xo. Jessica
Jun/100
In Elaine’s room
Elaine is a pretty awesome person. She’s letting me live in her room for a week after I get kicked out of my room on the 15th. So since I already have her keys, I thought I would finish my dang paper here. Because sitting in my room I find everything to do BUT work on my paper. And walking to her room takes me two minutes, opposed to walking to Ekonomikum which is like a whole twenty minute hike away.
The only problem is it is quite warm in here, and so I have to keep the window open … and below her window there is a little daycare, with lots of little kids running around, screaming, etc.
Could be problematic.
Anyway, should get to work on my paper. My goal is to finish it today, because tomorrow is the last club at Stockholm’s nation, and since I’ve never even been to one of their clubs I thought it would be fun to at least go to the last one. And Friday it is due, sooo, yeah.
I just found out today that one of my favorite people in Uppsala is in the hospital. So I told her I would be there around six tonight to bring her some things she requested and to visit her. So my ultimate goal is to have my paper finished by the time I visit her tonight.
xo.